King Charles III Watch

[Long slender neck]

[CEB]

There’s deffo something weird going on.

[Dunners]

US media seems to be full-on with the theory that William has been shagging someone called Rose Hanbury, Kate found out, has had a total meltdown and now wants out of royal duties and a possible divorce.

[Currywurst and Chips]

Odd how most UK news sites have put out a “Who is Rose Hanbury, everything you need to know” bio in the last week

[CEB]

I for one welcome our new future Queen Rose

[Currywurst and Chips]

Apparently she’s “the Marchioness of Cholmondeley and they are the proud parents to twins Earl of Rocksavage Alexander Hugh George and Lord Oliver Timothy George”

[Max B Gold]

US media seems to be full-on with the theory that William has been shagging someone called Rose Hanbury, Kate found out, has had a total meltdown and now wants out of royal duties and a possible divorce.

I'm hearing similar from my sources at Westminster. Now all we need to confirm it is the fatal accident.

[Dunners]

Fair play to William. Do you reckon he tried talking them into a threesome, but it backfired?

[CEB]

Like many amateur photographers, I occasionally experiment with editing

[The Mindsweep]

Like many amateur photographers, I occasionally experiment with editing

Obviously a fake as the ladies aren't wearing strap-ons.

[CEB]

You’re just trying to tempt me to go further down

[Give it to Jabo]

Rose H - is she not married to a bloke much older than her? All seems plausible to me.

[Give it to Jabo]

What is Martin Ling doing about it? That is what I want to know!

[Hoover Attack]

Apparently this rumour goes back 4 or 5 years?

[Dunners]

Yeah, that's what I'm reading. Looks like the rest of the world knew what the cheating rat was up to whilst our media conspired to keep us all in the dark.

[Dunners]

Also, the rumour that William has battered her is still persisting. And, as my fellow conspiracy nuts on the internet have reminded me, this isn't the first time allegations have been made about William's temper.

Prince Harry also revealed in his book that William came to his house and assaulted him because Harry stood up for Meghan:

[Celtient]

Doesn't ring true. Surely he would have said "Come in, hit one! You'll feel better if you hit one"

[Dunners]

Apparently she’s “the Marchioness of Cholmondeley and they are the proud parents to twins Earl of Rocksavage Alexander Hugh George and Lord Oliver Timothy George”

Purely by coincidence, the Vagina Museum has chosen today to issue this post about The Cholmondeley Ladies.

[Story of O]

Apparently she’s “the Marchioness of Cholmondeley and they are the proud parents to twins Earl of Rocksavage Alexander Hugh George and Lord Oliver Timothy George”

On Wikipedia they are not known as children, but as "issue". The more educated of you might know what that means

[HARVEY T DENTON]

Like Jamie Lee Curtis?

[Currywurst and Chips]

Apparently she’s “the Marchioness of Cholmondeley and they are the proud parents to twins Earl of Rocksavage Alexander Hugh George and Lord Oliver Timothy George”

On Wikipedia they are not known as children, but as "issue". The more educated of you might know what that means

I’d imagine the reason is the same reason his title is “The Earl of Rocksavage”

Which, by the way, is a great name for a wrestler on one of those local wrestling nights you see flyposted on disused retail units in town centres

[Dunners]

William:

"There one was, minding one's own business, when one tripped and fell and ended up balls deep inside the Marchioness of Cholmondeley and accidentally got her preggers. Imagine one's horror as the Princess of Wales walked in at that exact moment and proceeded to put two and two together and come up with five.

Well, one was absolutely raging that the stupid bint would arrive at such a conclusion without any reason whatsoever. So one proceeded to headbutt her and repeatedly kick her in the gut so hard that her spleen was ruptured, she required a hysterectomy, and was put into an induced coma for several weeks.

But what is one supposed to do? Now, please respect one's privacy and f*ck off to work and pay your taxes"

[Dunners]

Oh boy. Instead of doing work which I really should be prioritising, I have been scouring the foreign press to uncover what the UK media is being told to remain silent on. And it's great.

• William has been banging Rose Hanbury for a long time now, and almost certainly from before he got married to Kate. But that's just the start of it.

• Rose Hanbury (40) is married to a much older man, David Rocksavage, who is 63. And a homosexual, and lives with his lover in France.

• His lover is François-Marie Banier, who swindled Liliane Bettencourt, the L’Oreal heiress, out of millions.

• Rose and David married in June 2009, almost certainly as a marriage of convenience and to provide cover for William.

• Rose gave birth to twins just four months later in October 2009. This meant she conceived late January/early February 2009.

• There are suggestions that William is the father of the twins. He and Kate got married in 2011, but there were plenty of reports of frequent splits between them both in the years leading up to their wedding. With one of these splits neatly occurring at the same time as Rose conceiving the twins.

• If he is the father of the twins, that would make them both his eldest children.

• Now we fast forward to more recent events. Kate has found out that Rose is pregnant again with William's kid, and is keeping it.

• This led to a blazing row between her and William, whereby she revealed she has been having an affair with... Thomas Kingston!

• And, wait for it... Kate was preggers too with Kingston's kid!

• Remember that Kingston is the guy with the traumatic head wound and the shotgun found nearby?

• Well, at around the same time as the "traumatic head wound" occurring, William has been photographed with what appears to be bruising on his neck, which could indicate he's been in some altercation.

• Purely by coincidence media reports circulated at that time about what members of the Royal Family can be charged with a crime.

• Kate has had a total mental breakdown during which she has been pressured into having an abortion. The procedure became complicated however, and there was an undisclosed medical emergency.

• The Royal Family is in total crisis, crimes have potentially been committed, and they are limited in how they can manage their PR in case they implicate themselves in anything.

• Further to this, the kids aren’t old enough nor media trained enough, so there is a total seclusion order on just about everyone to prevent things going nuclear.

• And, in addition to all the above, Charles is seriously unwell, but they are terrified of the prospect of another Coronation just when a scandal this bad could explode.

If any of the above is true, and it's certainly a possibility, this has the potential to turn into an existential crisis for the Royal Family. I think I'm going to need a bigger packet of biscuits.

[Hoover Attack]

Would totally watch this series of The Crown. I've never wanted anything to be true so much in all my life.

[CEB]

This is brilliant stuff