LOFC weekly conference call transcript released

[o-no]

NT: OK, everyone, welcome to the LOFC weekly conference call. Just a quick health and safety note first - if anyone is driving, can they please hang up and dial in later.

ML: I'm done driving, I was just putting on the 18th, sunk a 10 footer for a birdie. Absolutely smashed that f*cker.

NT: Aren't you supposed to be at the training ground on a Friday?

ML: Well, boss, one thing I have learned over my many, many years in football - is that stress is bad, so I tend to stay at home on weekdays and most weekends as well. Plus, we have so many coaching staff there's nowhere to park the motherf*cking car.

NT: Well, OK maybe we'll talk about that later. Perhaps you can update us on progress this transfer window.

ML: Nothing to tell Nige, I let my boy deal with all that sh*t

NT: What, Sam is dealing with transfers?

ML: No, Ross is, you daft b*stard. If I tell Ross to do something, he will definitely give it 100%, he's like an enthusiastic f*cking puppy.

RE: Er, yes Mr Travis, it's er..., well it's like we're trying to get bodies in [scratches nervously] but, y'know it's a busy time, it's like er, something like from the sublime to the er, what-is-it.

[Dull thuds in background]

NT: Sorry, what is that noise?

RE: It's Lee, Mr Travis, I explained my latest formation ideas to him, and he seems to be repeatedly banging his head against the wall.

RE: [Shouts] Lee, stop that - you're bleeding - get yourself off to the medical room.

LA: I can't, it's full - Jobi's moved a settee in there now.

ML: Bleeding? Bleeding useless more like. Ah - oh f*ck, thought I was on mute

NT: ...And what is it with all these injuries, no one seems to recover these days

DM (for it is he): Ah, I might be able to explain that. I struck a fabulous deal with the Leyton Pharmacy next door to supply Leyton Orient branded plasters and bandages. I'm projecting a monthly cost saving of well over £40 as a result.

NT: £40K, that's brilliant

DM: No £40, but it's early days. Imagine if we can roll out these Orient bandages nationwide?

NT: OK, but are they any good, everyone is still sick?

DM: Course, they get them from some place in China called Wuhan. They've taken healthcare to another level over there.

NT: So, what about the match this weekend. Do you have a plan Ross? I know Kent's getting nervous cos he's stopped talking to everyone. He does have an extensive collection of firearms though.

RE: Yes, Mr Travis, I think I have it this time. I'm going for a classic 3-1-2-1-3 formation in the first half, and 0-0-10 in the second.

NT: Are you sure about 3-1-2-1-3 - that makes my head hurt

LA: Me too

DM: I have something for that...

[Continues ad-nauseam]

[Thor]

Good one