Any jokes....

[Give it to Jabo]

You can do better than this:

I went on the Euro Star recently.

Three times I went through the Securty Scanner

First time: some loose change made it beep

Second time: it was my belt that set it off

Third time: it was my watch

I looked at my shoes in despair as they had a small metal buckle.

"Are these all right?" I asked.

The answer: "well, i wouldn't wear them."

[Chicken Dhansak]

Just one big joke, President Donald Trump, nuff said.

[Cheshunto]

Apparently Prince Charles is self isolating at Balmoral with Covid -19
While Prince Andrew is self isolating at Windsor with Jennifer - 15

[Celtient]

They said I could only get into my local Tesco if I was wearing gloves and a mask. Was a bit embarrassed when I got there and realised that everyone else was wearing clothes as well

[The Mindsweep]

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse. Not for some kinky fun, but to pop down the shops to get a loaf of bread.

[Give it to Jabo]

Owing to a shortage of toilet paper, I had to use a lettuce leaf this morning.

It might be the tip of the iceberg...

[Celtient]

On a sad note, the man who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next monkey.

[tuffers#1]

2 cows in a field
1 says to the other
What do you think about
Mad cow disease ?
The other cow ponders for a
few seconds & replies
Doesn't bother me
Im a Horse.

[Stamford O]

Q. What's blue and f..ks old ladies.
A. Varicose veins

[Lovejoy]

Q. What's blue and f..ks old ladies.
A. Varicose veins

Or Wayne Rooney in an Everton shirt!

[Redcard]

Love joy, that is funny.

[Redcard]

Dianne Abbott is to take a corona virus test....she says she is confident she will pass, she has been studying 2 days.

[BIGRON]

Q. What's blue and f..ks old ladies.
A. Varicose veins

Or Wayne Rooney in an Everton shirt!

This one's leading so far

[Smendrick Feaselberg]

I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said sure, knock yourself out.

[Real Al]

Boris has Covid-19.

The virus is doing well, but self-isolating for everyone else's sake.

[Lucky7]

Just a heads up, if you get an email from the Department of Health saying not to eat tinned pork because it contains Covid-19, ignore it. It’s spam.

[ComeOnYouOs]

While Ive been self isolating, ive been reading this book on anti-gravity. I cant put it down

[The Mindsweep]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar, the owner must have forget to lock the door because all bars should be closed.

[KC & sunshine band]

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant what gets rid of the Coronavirius
She said ammonia cleaner
I said I am so sorry I thought you worked here !


Then went to Tesco to get some Oxo cubes and they had already sold out
Good job I had stocked up

[ComeOnYouOs]

My wife is threatening to leave me, because of my obsession with Britney Spears.....I must admit it's killing me.....

[Long slender neck]

[KC & sunshine band]

Sorted out the loft yesterday with the wife
Dirty, dust and cobwebs
But shes very good to the kids

[tuffers#1]

Told the Mrs not to panic buy
Just come home and found
Her putting Andy Carrol in the larder

[tuffers#1]

A horse is in the pub having a few pints when he spots a donkey in the corner. He nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" and the horse replies "I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" and follows up with "did you win anything?"

The horse nods "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”. They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later and donkey decides that he has to impress the champion horse. He buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. When the horse arrives, he says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?" the donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus"

[Real Al]

I want to get some veggies without running the risk of getting infected and the supermarket is miles away. I'd drive, but I don't avocado.