My mate....

[Proposition Joe]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I'm going to have to put my foot down

Far and away your best ever post.

[Loyal_Supporter]

My mate has started dating a girl from the bee industry....she's a keeper.

[Loyal_Supporter]

Someone started throwing 'TH' words at me. I managed to dodge this, there and then but I didn't see that coming...

[Currywurst and Chips]

My other half sat me down and said “Your Oasis obsession is going to be the end of us, will you consider scaling it back”


I said Maaaaaayyyybbbeee

[Dunners]

The missus said she was leaving me, so I asked her why.

"I could give you 14 reasons" she said, "plus your ridiculous obsession with tennis."

"That's 15, love" I replied.

[Dunners]

My son asked me why we had named his sister Teresa.

"Well son," I explained, "your mother loves Easter, what with all the cute bunnies and chocolate eggs and all. And Teresa is an anagram of Easter".

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem, Alan."

[Daily Express bot]

‘Hellooooo , long time no see , it has been ages, where have you been ?’ the GP asked as I walked in his surgery

‘I’ve been ill’ I replied

[CharlieO]

Came home to find the wife in bed with a mate of mine so I gave him a good hiding. She said - carry on like that and you'll have no friends left.

[CharlieO]

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown, she said you've got big shoes to fill.

[Daily Express bot]

Complaining, a man took the talking budgie he was sold for a well over priced £350 back to the dodgy looking pet shop, holding a bird cage with the poor looking budgie lying on the floor on its back, feet up in air.

‘This budgie doesn’t talk , I want my money back and for the mirror, the perch swing, slide, bell and ball you got me to buy to entertain it’

The Shop owner reached in the cage door and gently tickled the budgie’s belly.

The budgie started to move opened its beak and murmured ‘SEED, SEED’

[DrWindy]

Ordered an uber yesterday and the driver was Russian. Asked him his name and he replied Pikup Andropov.

[Harlow]

Ordered an uber yesterday and the driver was Russian. Asked him his name and he replied Pikup Andropov.

Thought you were going to say "I asked him to slow down".

[Admin]

Did you hear about the mass murder in the multi storey car park?

Wrong on so many levels.

[Dunners]

Did you hear about the mass murder in the multi storey car park?

Wrong on so many levels.

Controversial...

Urinating in an elevator is just wrong on so many levels.

[Admin]

Did you hear about the mass murder in the multi storey car park?

Wrong on so many levels.

Controversial...

Urinating in an elevator is just wrong on so many levels.

Genuinely didn't see yours but clearly am deserving of complete condemnation.

I throw myself upon the mercy of the people's court whenever it next meets.

[Constanza]

Topical as I was at Blackpool Tower last week ( don't ask), and commented to the lift attendant if she enjoyed her job. She grunted giving me the opportunity to say " it must have its ups and downs". No smile.
That's Blackpool for you.

[BoniO]

Topical as I was at Blackpool Tower last week ( don't ask), and commented to the lift attendant if she enjoyed her job. She grunted giving me the opportunity to say " it must have its ups and downs". No smile.
That's Blackpool for you.

Should've offered to take her up the Oxo tower.

[i8ubutler]

It just never gets old.

[DrWindy]

I saw an old man the other day walking along the street with a large chip in each hand. I asked him what they were for. These are Mccains he replied.

[BIGRON]

My son asked me why we had named his sister Teresa.

"Well son," I explained, "your mother loves Easter, what with all the cute bunnies and chocolate eggs and all. And Teresa is an anagram of Easter".

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem, Alan."

[Dunners]

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6, and yet his statue is 17ft 4.

That’s Horatio of about 3:1

[Harlow]

Topical as I was at Blackpool Tower last week ( don't ask), and commented to the lift attendant if she enjoyed her job. She grunted giving me the opportunity to say " it must have its ups and downs". No smile.
That's Blackpool for you.

She probably thought you were taking the rise!

[Orient_Man_And_Boy]

Did you hear about the mass murder in the multi storey car park?

Wrong on so many levels.

Controversial...

Urinating in an elevator is just wrong on so many levels.

Genuinely didn't see yours but clearly am deserving of complete condemnation.

I throw myself upon the mercy of the people's court whenever it next meets.

In its native form, this was one of the Edinburgh Fringe 'Best Jokes' about 15 years back. I suspect the Statute of Limitations is well gone.

[RBMarshall]

I went to the premature ejaculation support group meeting this morning.
Turns out, it's tomorrow.

[Tuffers#2]

Built a model of Everest , I said to scale ? Nope just to look at he answered.