My mate....

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate has really got a thing for Beyoncé, he asked me what I thought of her.

I said “It‘s whatever floats your boat.”

“That’s Buoyancy.”

[DrWindy]

[StillSpike]

My mate told me he was getting his wife an artificial leg for Christmas. It wasn't her main present though, it was just a stocking-filler.

[DrWindy]

My mate is so upset. He’s been getting a valentine card for nearly 15 years from a secret admirer but didn’t get one this year. First his gran dies and now this.

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate hired a cleaner. She’s from Eastern Europe.

On her first day, it took her over three hours to Hoover one room.

She’s a Slovak.

[DrWindy]

My mate doesn’t know if it’s a scam but he’s just got a text saying he’s won either 250 pounds or two tickets to an Elvis tribute act. It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate was sent to prison last week...

Now he's an inmate.

[OrientSeb]

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found dead in an ex French footballers mansion and he’s been taken into custody!

The rumour is It’s murder on Zidane’s floor!

[DrWindy]

My mate went into Burger King yesterday and noticed the woman serving him had a badge on her left breast that said Pat.

To cut a long story short he’s now banned from Burger King.

[DrWindy]

My mate bought me an Adam Ant ice cream. Turns out it was just a standard vanilla.

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate was taken into hospital last week with "premature ejaculation syndrome".

I phoned the hospital last night to see how he was and the nurse told me there was slight improvement...... but it was still touch and go.

[Hoover Attack]

My mate was taken into hospital last week with "premature ejaculation syndrome".

I phoned the hospital last night to see how he was and the nurse told me there was slight improvement...... but it was still touch and go.

I heard he'd discharged himself early.

[Loyal_Supporter]

My mate now keeps a guitar in his car. He says it's good for traffic jams...

[DrWindy]

My mate was in a quiz and phoned me to ask ‘what’s the second largest state in the USA?’.
I said. ‘Texas’
He said ‘ok’
A minute later he sent me a text saying ‘what’s the second largest state in the USA?’

[ContrifibulatoryFred]

My mate had his credit card stolen in February and went to report it yesterday. The police asked him why he had taken so long to notify them and he replied that he quickly realised that the thief was spending less than his wife.
‘If that is the case, Sir, why have you reported this now?’
And my mate replied ‘because I have seen it shoot yo over the last weekend so I’ve come to the conclusion that the thief’s wife is now using it.’