Hoover Attack wrote: ↑Thu Feb 27, 2025 10:21 am
Dunners wrote: ↑Thu Feb 27, 2025 8:27 am
I hadn't paid much attention to this whole Chagos Islands thing. I noticed lots of right wingers picking up on it and, combined with the total silence from those on the left (or even the centre), I assumed it was just another culture war event.
But, when you do read up on the "whats" and the "whys" of this deal, it's actually bonkers. It makes no sense. Labour, possibly through some misguided and crass attempt at "decolonisation", have managed to engineer a situation where they're going to pay billions just to achieve an outcome that literally nobody wanted. Not even the Chagos Islanders.
David Lammy is so f*cking thick.
Obviously I''m coming at it from the opposite end of the political spectrum, but hearing right wingers whining and the left's silence, I'd assumed the same thing and ignored it.
What are the details of the deal?
I'm pretty sure it's like this (and I won't be taking questions):
Lammy: I need to do something that will appeal to my base and that I can point to as my legacy. Something that is in keeping with my brand, as I clearly have been promoted beyond my abilities
because of the reasons, and this position represents the high point in my political career.
Some activists: do some decolonising!
Lammy: brilliant. I'll do just that. I'll get the civil servants who have to wipe my backside for me to come up with an idea.
Civil servant: sigh. "Decolonisation" is a stupid idea that never actually achieves what you want and usually ends up with British taxpayers money in the hands of wronguns. Sir.
Lammy: well, there must be something we can do?
Civil servant (CS): well, there's always the Chagos Islands. The British treated the Islanders terribly back in the day.
Lammy: were they black?
CS: black enough, sir.
Lammy: great, they'll do. So how do we decolonise them?
CS: well sir, you see, they were all forcibly removed over 50 years ago because of reasons.
Lammy: reasons?
CS: [gently laughs] Oh no sir, not
those reasons. They have a legit claim for injustice.
Lammy: Oh. Okay. Well, could we give them the islands back?
CS: well, most of them are dead now, or are living in countries with running tap water, so they may be reluctant to go back.
Lammy: well, they must go back. This is decolonisation we're talking about.
CS: sir, I don't think "send 'em all back" is quite the headline you're looking for.
Lammy: oh, of course. Which country are they living in?
CS: many of those who are still living, or their descendants, are living quite nicely here in the UK.
Lammy: Well, we have to give the islands back to somebody. Who is nearest?
CS: nearest, sir?
Lammy: yes, as the crow flies, who is closest to the Chagos Islands, so we can give them the islands and decolonise them?
CS: [gets out measuring tape and globe] well sir, that would appear to be the island of Mauritius.
Lammy: can we not give them the islands.
CS: but sir, they've never had anything to do with the islands. They're an entirely different ethnicity, and are located over 2,000km away.
Lammy: are they black?
CS: black enough, sir.
Lammy: then f*ck it, they'll do. Fly to Mauritius and tell them that they can decolonise the Chagos Islands by taking them over.
[CS flies to Mauritius]
CS: so, Mr Important Mauritius Government Person (IMGP), there you have it. The UK is deeply sorry for our racist colonial past and we hereby return to you the Chagos Islands.
IMGP: WTF?
CS: yes, we're giving you the islands.
IMGP: but we don't want them. We never had them. Why the f*ck do we want some archipelago over 2,000km away?
CS: because I've been told that we must do it.
IMGP: who told you?
CS: Lammy.
IMGP: LOL.
[Thinks it over]
IMGP: OK, here's our offer. You give us £9billion and well take the islands and throw in a free football fanzine.
CS: that's ridiculous! Why should we pay you? I'll take this news back to Lammy.
[Flies back to the UK]
Lammy: so, did you do the deal?
CS: not quite, sir. They want £9billion and for us to take a copy of this [throws football fanzine on Lammy's desk]
Lammy: WTF is this for? Wiping my arse?
CS: quite possibly, sir. It's a copy of a football fanzine called Panda.
Lammy: is it valuable?
CS: not really, sir. I belive it may cost one phaaaaand.
Lammy: oh whatever. Let's just agree to whatever they want so that we can do some decolonising.
CS: very well, sir. Shall I let the Americans know?
Lammy: the Americans? WTF has this got to do with them?
CS: well, sir, they lease the airstrip on the islands from us so we'll need their agreement to assign our ownership to Mauritius. Come to think of it, we'll need to let IMGP know about this lease too, as that will place additional burden on them.
Lammy: WTF is decolonising not more simple? You know what - I'll take care of it myself.
[Lammy flies to meet IMGP & US government person to agree deal, then flies back to UK. Later that eveningin Starmer's office....]
Starmer: So let me get this straight. Mauritius wanted us to pay them £9billion, but we've negotiated them up to some undisclosed figure (possible £18billion)?
CS: Yes sir.
Starmer: and how much are these islands costing us to maintain right now?
CS: well, nothing, sir. The rent the americans pay us for the lease pretty much covers our costs.
Starmer: Then why on Earth are we doing this? Do the Chiagons want this?
CS: nope.
Starmer: Does Mauritius want it?
CS: nope.
Starmer: Do the americans want it?
CS: nope.
Starmer: so who wants it?
CS: Lammy. LOL.
Starmer: Lammy! You are a f*cking idiot!
Lammy: thank you, boss.
Starmer: Christ on a bike. I knew I'd have to do at least one DEI hire, because of the reasons, but even I never thought I'd see the day when I questioned if I'd have been better off picking Diane f*cking Abbott.
Lammy: yes boss.
Starmer: And why are you sat there smiling, you imbecile?
Lammy: well boss, the deal isn't completely weighted in favour of Mauritius. I did manage to get us something in return.
Starmer: [raises eyebrow] you mean you may not be a complete waste of carbon molecules afterall? Well, tell us, what did you get for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland?
Lammy:
Two copies of Panda! [proudly slams them on Starmer's desk]
Everyone else: ......
[Cue end credits and Benny Hill theme tune]
![[##]](./images/smilies/flag-united-kingdom_1f1ec-1f1e7.png "Jack"){kind=small}
Heh