My mate....

[DrWindy]

My family has just learned that grandpa is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandma.

[greyhound]

my mate came round the other night, he came
out of the toilet and said, did you no the toilet bowl
has a crack in it.I said you no why that is
thought I heard a burglar so I sh*t a brick.

[ComeOnYouOs]

They've invented a new pill. It's a cross between Viagra & Prozac.
If you don't get a f***, you don't give a f***

[Orient_Man_And_Boy]

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav


Yes. Nicked from here :

https://upjoke.com/mate-jokes

[Daily Express bot]

A wife came home from work early and caught her husband bawling his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably , with a wad of tissues mopping his tears and noticed he was watching their wedding video.

‘You daft soppy soul , you are a real softy, come here , I’ll make you a nice dinner and we can go upstairs early, we’ll I never knew it affected you so much, why are you so emotional my dear?’

‘I was watching it on rewind!’ He replied

[Daily Express bot]

I was watching Babestation last night and was tempted to phone in,

‘Hello Lenny how are yoooou, how can I help?’

‘Oh hello if you are Roxy in stockings, the girl writhing around on the couch, do me a favour hide behind the sofa , my Misses is coming down the stairs and I’ve lost the remote control’.

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav


Yes. Nicked from here :

https://upjoke.com/mate-jokes

Best so far. And there have been some good ones!

[Dunners]

I spent my entire life savings on pasta.

It was worth every penne.

[Constanza]

My mate was threatened with the sack for masturbating on the job as a roofer. Luckily they said he could wipe the slate clean.

[DrWindy]

My mate went to the doctors saying his hearing was going.

Doctor said ‘talk me through the symptoms’.

He said, ‘well Marge has funny hair, Homer likes doughnuts and Bart’s a terror’…….

[Daily Express bot]

Everything going bad today, paid a carpenter £1000 cash to build me a bed and he has done a bunk, it is just one thing on top of another.

[Daily Express bot]

Everything going bad today, paid a carpenter £1000 cash to build me a bed and he has done a bunk, it is just one thing on top of another.

[i8ubutler]

Preferred the first one Lenny.

[Dunners]

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

[BIGRON]

A wife came home from work early and caught her husband bawling his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably , with a wad of tissues mopping his tears and noticed he was watching their wedding video.

‘You daft soppy soul , you are a real softy, come here , I’ll make you a nice dinner and we can go upstairs early, we’ll I never knew it affected you so much, why are you so emotional my dear?’

‘I was watching it on rewind!’ He replied

Stupid I know , but I don't get this one

[ComeOnYouOs]

My mate bought a book on anti gravity, he can't put it down

[Daily Express bot]

A wife came home from work early and caught her husband bawling his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably , with a wad of tissues mopping his tears and noticed he was watching their wedding video.

‘You daft soppy soul , you are a real softy, come here , I’ll make you a nice dinner and we can go upstairs early, we’ll I never knew it affected you so much, why are you so emotional my dear?’

‘I was watching it on rewind!’ He replied

Stupid I know , but I don't get this one

He was single at the beginning of the video

[Daily Express bot]

I find to deter Trick or Treaters it is best answering the door naked. Oh dear here we go again, these two dressed as Policemen!

[Orient_Man_And_Boy]

I find to deter Trick or Treaters it is best answering the door naked. Oh dear here we go again, these two dressed as Policemen!

I enjoy Hallowe’en. The young children knock on the door and show me their Ghosties … and I’m up before the magistrates next week.

[DrWindy]

Stereophonics have just announced they’re playing at Old Trafford in December. I might put a fiver on them to win.

[Daily Express bot]

I once bought a dog from a Blacksmith, as soon I as got him home he made a bolt for the front door.

[Tuffers#2]

Why have the " my mate " Jokes stopped & people are now just telling 5hit jokes. Can they not just start a 5hit Joke page & leave this to good/bad " my mate " Jokes ?

[ContrifibulatoryFred]

i like this thread
Keep them coming

[Daily Express bot]

A window cleaner holding a little ladder got knocked down by a double decker bus. An old girl rolled up her coat up and made a pillow for him and he woke up surrounded by a crowd.

‘Are you comfortable?’ asked the old dear

‘Er.. I make a living’ said the Window Cleaner.

[Tuffers#2]

My mate the window cleaner how difficult is it ?