My mate....

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate has really got a thing for Beyoncé, he asked me what I thought of her.

I said “It‘s whatever floats your boat.”

“That’s Buoyancy.”

[DrWindy]

[StillSpike]

My mate told me he was getting his wife an artificial leg for Christmas. It wasn't her main present though, it was just a stocking-filler.

[DrWindy]

My mate is so upset. He’s been getting a valentine card for nearly 15 years from a secret admirer but didn’t get one this year. First his gran dies and now this.

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate hired a cleaner. She’s from Eastern Europe.

On her first day, it took her over three hours to Hoover one room.

She’s a Slovak.

[DrWindy]

My mate doesn’t know if it’s a scam but he’s just got a text saying he’s won either 250 pounds or two tickets to an Elvis tribute act. It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate was sent to prison last week...

Now he's an inmate.

[OrientSeb]

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found dead in an ex French footballers mansion and he’s been taken into custody!

The rumour is It’s murder on Zidane’s floor!

[DrWindy]

My mate went into Burger King yesterday and noticed the woman serving him had a badge on her left breast that said Pat.

To cut a long story short he’s now banned from Burger King.

[DrWindy]

My mate bought me an Adam Ant ice cream. Turns out it was just a standard vanilla.

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate was taken into hospital last week with "premature ejaculation syndrome".

I phoned the hospital last night to see how he was and the nurse told me there was slight improvement...... but it was still touch and go.

[Hoover Attack]

My mate was taken into hospital last week with "premature ejaculation syndrome".

I phoned the hospital last night to see how he was and the nurse told me there was slight improvement...... but it was still touch and go.

I heard he'd discharged himself early.

[Loyal_Supporter]

My mate now keeps a guitar in his car. He says it's good for traffic jams...

[DrWindy]

My mate was in a quiz and phoned me to ask ‘what’s the second largest state in the USA?’.
I said. ‘Texas’
He said ‘ok’
A minute later he sent me a text saying ‘what’s the second largest state in the USA?’

[ContrifibulatoryFred]

My mate had his credit card stolen in February and went to report it yesterday. The police asked him why he had taken so long to notify them and he replied that he quickly realised that the thief was spending less than his wife.
‘If that is the case, Sir, why have you reported this now?’
And my mate replied ‘because I have seen it shoot yo over the last weekend so I’ve come to the conclusion that the thief’s wife is now using it.’

[Give it to Jabo]

My mate, a priest, saw a terrible accident yesterday…looked like a pig had been knocked over and killed.

He phoned the police. A cocky desk sergeant answered :”You’re a priest eh. I suppose you gave him the last rites an’ all?”

“No, I did not. I thought it was best to inform his next of kin, first!”

[DrWindy]

My mate has just bought a 75 inch TV to watch the Premier League season, next season. IHe’s just opened the box and there are no Leeds....

[ComeOnYouOs]

My mates wife asked me to say a word at his funeral.
I got up and said "Plethora"
She came over to me afterwards and said " thanks, that means a lot"

[DrWindy]

My mate’s wife said to him ‘do you love football more than me?’.

He said ‘open your legs and I will show you’.

And nutmegged her.

[Celtient]

I told my mate that I was in the pub and saw another bloke with his girlfriend. I said that I saw him put his arm around her three times. He said that he didn't believe me as no one had arms that long.

[DrWindy]

Why shouldn’t you wear underpants made in Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout

[Celtient]

I told my mate that I had built a model of the Eiffel Tower.
"To scale"? he asked
"No", I replied " Just to look at"

[Currywurst and Chips]

Soldier walking down the street notices a woman crying by her car

“What’s wrong love”?

“I’ve locked my son in the car”

Soldier rubs his leg against the door and it opens

“How did you do that”? She asked

“It’s my khaki trousers” the soldier replied

[Rubex Kube]

Why shouldn’t you wear underpants made in Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout

My mate says, why shouldnt wear underpants please.

[DrWindy]

Why shouldn’t you wear underpants made in Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout

My mate says, why shouldnt wear underpants please.

Absolutely right. My apologies