My mate....

[BoniO]

My mate's stutter is so bad, by the time he told us his nanna had died, we were all singing Hey Jude.

[Dunners]

What does Erdoğan and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

They both have curds in their whey.

[i8ubutler]

[Proposition Joe]

Q: Why did the crab get barred from his local?

A: Because every time he came in, he kept giving it all that.

(Will admit this works better if told in person so one can see the hand gestures)

[Daily Express bot]

Me and the Wife divorced 3 months after buying a waterbed ….We just seemed to drift apart.

[Celtient]

There was a huge fight in my chicken coop last night. Everyone walking on eggshells this morning

[Celtient]

Do you think glass coffins will catch on? Remains to be seen

[Admin]

Two goldish in a tank. The first one says to the second one "any idea how to drive this thing?"

[faldO]

I could never get the hang of putting my car seatbelt on...then one day it clicked.

[Uncle Joe]

I met my wife in a revolving door. We've been going round together ever since

[Dunners]

Urinating in an elevator is just wrong on so many levels.

[LittleMate]

Paid a carpenter to make me a double bed......c88ts done a bunk.

[CharlieO]

I couldn't attract my wife's attention last night so I went and sat in the armchair and got comfortable, that did the trick.

[BoniO]

I thang yew - keep em coming.

[DrWindy]

I asked my gym instructor if she could teach me to do the splits. She said it depends how flexible you are.

Well I can’t do Tuesday’s.

[Long slender neck]

My fairy godmother said she'd grant me one wish, I could either have a long penis or a long memory, I dont remember which one I went with.

[CharlieO]

A man and his wife are sitting in a café. “That’s the Archbishop of Canterbury across the road isn’t it?” says the wife. “Go over and ask him.” So the husband hops across the road and speaks to him then returns.
The wife asks: “Well, is he the Archbishop of Canterbury, what did he say?”
“He told me to f*** off,” he says.
“Oh that's a shame” she says. “Now we’ll never know.”

[Loyal_Supporter]

My mate Tony told me not to say his name backwards.

I asked: Y not?

[Loyal_Supporter]

My other half told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read the list...

I grilled a chicken the other day for two hours. The damn thing STILL wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road...

I just had a copper knock on the door saying he was looking for a guy with one eye. I said 'you should look with both you might find him quicker'...

[BIGRON]

I asked my wife why I never see her orgasm , she said ..your never there !! , I'll get my coat

[Stowaway]

I had a crap holiday this year. It was my fault though, I misread the brochure and we spent a week going around the Norfolk b-roads.

[Dunners]

Five ants rented a house with another five ants. Now they're tenants.

[Monkey Boy]

We were so poor,you could tell our house, we had toilet paper on our washing line, plus I was so unlucky I had a wooden rocking horse that died

[ComeOnYouOs]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I'm going to have to put my foot down

[Chief crazy horse]

Did you hear about the bloke with a wooden arse ? ..wouldn't sh*t.